2010
03.14
03.14
This Jokes For You!…. YES YOU!
Your one stop place for everything funny on the net!
2010
03.02
03.02
Below are some ’smartass questions’
Why doesn’t McDonald’s sell hotdogs?
At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?
Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
Where does the toetag go on a dead person if they don’t have toes?
If your driving a federal owned car, and you run a stop sign, is it considered a felony?
Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commericals that says “Not available in all states”?
If you are asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and your the main witness, what if you say “no”?
How far east can you go before you’re heading west?
If, in a baseball game, the batter hits a ball splitting it right down the center with half the ball flying out of the park and the other half being caught, what is the final ruling?
If you were to get drunk in a country where the drinking limit is under 21, and went to the states and were still over the limit, could they arrest you for underage drinking even though you did not do the drinking in the states.
If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, then do girls with one leg work at IHOP?
Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?
Why does grape flavor smell the way it is when actual grapes don’t taste or smell anything like it.
If a lesbian has sex with other women but never with another man is she still considered a virgin?
If a transvesite goes missing, what face would you put on a milk carton?
Why is the Lone Ranger called ‘Lone’ if he always has his Indian friend Tonto with him?
When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
Are eyebrows considered facial hair?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don’t they fall through the floor?
Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic?
When Atheists go to court, do they have to swear on the bible?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?
How can something be “new” and “improved”? if it’s new, what was it improving on?
When two people marry, they say, “you may kiss the bride”. What do they say if two MEN get married?
Why is it that when we “skate on thin ice”, we can “get in hot water”?
Why do people say beans beans the magical fruit when beans are vegetables?
If laughter is the best medicine, who’s the idiot who said they ‘died laughing’?
If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don’t lay eggs.
Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
Can a short person “talk down” to a taller person?
If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hairnet?
Do prison buses have emergency exits?
Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?
When there’s two men who “get married”, do they both go to the same bachelor party?
If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?
2010
02.22
02.22
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Alternate products include Bridge-Environoment-Eradication-Resolution (BEER) and Benign-Orderly-Overload-System-Enhancer (BOOSE). Administer the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Update: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.
2010
02.20
02.20
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2010
01.28
01.28
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken Mc Nuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter.
‘You don’t?’ I replied.
‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply.
‘So I can’t order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’
‘That’s right.’
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true…)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those ‘dividers’ that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the ‘divider’, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’
I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’
She said ‘O K ,’ and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy’
(keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ‘Do you need some help?’ I asked.
She replied, ‘I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’
‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked.
‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk…..’
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photo copier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photo copier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, ‘I just gave him some ant killer……’
Dispatcher: ‘Rush him in to emergency!’
2010
01.28
01.28
2010
01.28
01.28
One hand on wheel, One hand on horn: CHICAGO.
One hand on wheel, Middle finger out window: NEW YORK.
One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, Cutting across all lanes
of traffic: NEW JERSEY.
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, Foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON.
One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: INDIANA…….but, driving in CALIFORNIA.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY.
One hand on 12oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, Banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE.
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator, and both feet on brake, Throwing McDonald’s bag out the window: TEXAS.
Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun ounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, Squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA.
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate, in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA.
One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: ARKANSAS (or WEST VIRGINIA).
2010
01.23
01.23
2010
01.22
01.22
1st off, sorry for the recent absence of jokes on this site, job hunting …..and gaming 
….. take up alot of time you know 
anywho this one is for some of the fine people at the online A+ Course I am currently taking (ps Mr. Stewart you where the 3rd person to ask that haha)
- Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream
“Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt. - Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and
look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. - When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that
you can’t get the damn thing to work. After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5
minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour. - Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you
evilly. - Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different
screen than the one it’s set up with. - Write a program that plays the “Smurfs” theme song and play it
at the highest volume possible over & over again. - Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something
on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. - Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
Pentagon files. - Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don’t know.
- Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
- Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say
“Just in case…” mysteriously. - Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at
everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. - Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re
crazy while typing. - Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
- Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees.
Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say “Oops, I forgot.” - Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray
“Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” and scream “YES!”
when it finishes. - “DISK FIGHT!!!”
- Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps
if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends). - Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by
hitting the keys with the straw. - If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Lion
Sleeps Tonight” whenever there is processing time required. - Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your
monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly
that women (men) are worthless. - Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 disc drive, when it
doesn’t work, get the supervisor. - When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the
smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. - Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two
days later) say that all you wanted was one line. - Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this
for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. - Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to
grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person
enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more
effective to let them linger. - If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut
them and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave. - Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your
desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. - Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place
them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them
around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of
cotton on plastic. - Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like
this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working
conditions. - Laugh hysterically, shout “You will all perish in flames!!!”
and continue working. - Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
- Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B
key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, humits note loudly. Write
an entire paper this way. - Attempt to eat your computer’s mouse.
- Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying “Excuse me,
mind if I borrow this for a sec?”, unplugging the keyboard &
taking it. - Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
- When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the
old ways are best. - Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
- Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you
see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill
isn’t affected). Then look at your neighbor’s keyboard. Hit his/her delete
key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask:
“Does *your* delete key work?” Shake your head, and resume
hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you’ve
deleted about a page of your neighbor’s document. Then, suddenly exclaim:
“Well, whaddya know? I’ve been hitting the space bar this whole time.
No wonder it wasn’t deleting! Ha!” Print out your document and leave. - Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and
complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some
Elmer’s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is
drooling.) - Stare at the person’s next to your’s screen, look really puzzled, burst
out laughing, and say “You did that?” loudly. Keep laughing,
grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. - Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate
hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap
back and yell “COVEEEEERRRRRR!” peek up from under the table,
walk back to the computer and say. “Oh, good. It worked this
time,” and calmly start to type again. - Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
- See who’s online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them
like you’ve known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to
figure out you’re a total stranger. - Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.
Pretend it’s the computer and look really lost. - Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead
doesn’t work. - Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers
in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily,
exclaim “You’re such a marvel!!”, and kiss the screen. Repeat
this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard.
Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. - Run into the computer lab, shout “Armageddon is here!!!!!”,
then calmly sit down and begin to type. - Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev
that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say “Give me
that computer or you’ll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next
week”. - Two words: Tesla Coil.